The Secret Stead is the pen name of a UK-based writer and
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ealth and happiness depend on more than our diet and exercise habits. They also derive from a focus on being clear about what we really want in life, and pursuing those goals we require to be happy. It is not as easy to do as it sounds, but imperative for optimal wellbeing. We can seek examples to help, however. It includes the things and people that inspire and motivate us to action, and prompts us to ask the questions many of us have asked ourselves one time or another: Am I getting out of life what I came here for? What gives me the most joy in life? Is this all I am? Is this all I can be?Each and every one of us has a desire to be happy, but the average person takes an approach to life that emphasises what should be done and ignores deeper, heartfelt desires. This perspective holds that life has to be lived a certain way, the right way. And though this accepted right way is supposed to be the correct way to happiness, it usually fails to produce satisfying results. Many of us are afraid to question whether we are truly happy, of doing more with our lives or moving out of our comfort zones, even though we remain largely uninspired, unfulfilled and unhappy.
Let us pause here momentarily to ask ourselves, what do we dream about being, doing or having differently than now? Aside from a few small goals, we may be surprised to discover that the response is almost always that we never considered it possible to be, do or have what we really wish for, ignoring our deepest desires. This prevalent thinking pattern stems from fear. It begins with relatively simple, repetitive thoughts that grow into the beliefs that control our perspective. As a result, our beliefs create what we think is our truth, even if, in reality, it is not true at all. These errant beliefs block the way to an inner sanctum; they choke creativity, and hold confidence hostage.
Or think about it, how many times have we discovered that our beliefs were completely the opposite of the truth? For instance, we may have thought that a friend was thinking negative thoughts about us, only to find out later the opposite was the case. Still, that simple thought, correct or not, turned into a belief, which became the basis of what we thought was true for us. But it was true only because we believed it to be so, and all our actions grew out of this belief, irrespective of whether the belief was correct or not. The same basic process occurs in relationship to what we think we can or cannot achieve or experience in life. This is the power our thoughts have over us.
Experiences are the sum of all the events and interactions we encounter in life. They encompass everything from our daily activities to significant life events. Experiences shape our beliefs, which in turn influence our goals, identity, and ultimately, our physical self. In these "layers of self", the culmination of these experiences, beliefs, and goals can lead to changes in the physical self. This transformation might be reflected in our behaviour, appearance, or overall wellbeing. For instance, adopting a healthier lifestyle after experiencing a health scare is a direct outcome of this transformative process.
From the smallest encounters to the most profound events, every experience we go through plays a significant role in molding our beliefs, goals, and identity.
Varul Verma (The Power of Experiences: How Experiences Shape Beliefs, Goals, and Identity)
So, if true, then it follows that while our experiences can shape our identity, we can change the identity of our experiences, too. And we have to confront and remove errant beliefs that lie beneath the layer of those experiences, by asking ourselves the vital question: What, if any, errant beliefs do we have? The majority of us have chosen our paths in life because we were told they were the right paths, the good paths or the paths others expected us to take. This strong sense of right and wrong is often a very strong barrier to happiness. Having a strong sense of right and wrong is not bad, but it is culture dependent; there is a higher truth than the moral judgments and ethical systems we find ourselves in. It is called the freedom to be who you authentically are.
Make no mistake, unless our beliefs about what is right and wrong are in alignment with the true and authentic desires of our spirit, we will discover frustration and great limitation in our happiness. This is where an inner sanctum is so important; it allows a safe space for us to connect to our spirit and discover who we authentically are, what we really want and what brings us joy. It is the basis for this manual's chapter on shopping for the soul; it is an enjoyable way to discover, through sensory awareness, what makes us happy and fulfills us. The practice of writing, as mentioned in another previous chapter, will also help to unearth errant thoughts, and figure out what is making us unhappy.
Each of us deserve this space to search for our own answers. It could be that our rules of right and wrong may, in fact, be the root cause for our unhappiness. Overly strict religious or social rules often lead to depression and despondency. A body of dogma does not allow for feelings of freedom, and those feelings are things, the ancient sages believe, our spirit knows and loves most. We cannot pursue our own happy states if we are caged; when we feel restricted for too long, our spirit naturally longs for freedom. We have enshrined it as a fundamental human right in many declarations and documents throughout the ages.
Create a Path of Happiness and Fulfillment
After all, in the same vein, the pursuit of happiness is age-old, too. It is arguably one of the most recognisable phrases enshrined in the United States Declaration of Independence. Inspired by ancient philosophers, the Founders viewed the pursuit of happiness as a lifelong quest for character improvement, requiring a commitment to practicing the daily habits that lead to self-regulation, emotional intelligence, and growth. Understood in these terms, at its core happiness is always something to be pursued rather than obtained - a quest rather than a destination. Its global impact has inspired movements for social justice, individual rights, and economic opportunity.
Let us in that quest, for the purposes of this chapter, add that component of completion, namely the spiritual element of fulfillment, to come closer to define the things that really brings us joy. Namely, it is those things that complete us. So, how do we fulfill ourselves? Well, what does it mean to be a human being? Why are we here? What is the reason for life? Ancient wisdom advises us that to even come close to comprehending such giant philosophical questions, we need to take the path of understanding our feelings, to turn inward and see what brings our sense of self peace and contentment. Is it to give a good account of our life? To make good out of the bad? Or, as the ancient sages have advised, to utilise reason and moderation in our pursuit of happiness and gratification?
Leaving aside the great texts the ancient sophists have left for us to peruse, my personal view is that it is all of the above (and more) as it connects to the universal need for balance. Whenever I have been asked to toast to someone's health, I always say that I hope they may know balance like the Earth. Unfortunately, in today's society, as mentioned in a previous chapter, our sense of self has become disconnected from this need for balance; we have shifted towards views narrowed by bias, and become stuck in a single narrative of right and wrong. But anything taken to an extreme is missing the point of existence. We need to learn balance; this is the point of existence.
...in recent years it seems to me like opinion has ossified, weaponised, and tribalised. There's a growing fear (among political scientists and others) that in our modern, social media-driven world, every issue is reduced to a zero-sum game and shoved into a political tick box. I feel that I'm walking on eggshells. Causes and positions are embraced uncritically. Nuance and understanding are viewed as signs of weakness. Either you're with us, or you are history.
Nicky Campbell, BBC presenter (How I've learned that certainty is the thing to really fear)
Undoubtedly, humanity thrives when balance brings connect, and establishes interconnectness. Humans are all about core connection, and our spiritual need for fulfillment can be satisfied, similarly, by turning inward to discover a more substantial and sustaining source of joy. As a result of our current global complexities, it may mean that we have to go back to basics, and simplify our life to uncover the things that will bring a constant source of joy to the heart. For me that includes taking time at the end of each day to write a few words to sum up what has given me the most joy, and to allow myself to focus on that. Usually, very simple things are involved. I feel happier if I've wasted less that day, or helped reduce my own carbon footprint; if my burden on the Earth that carries and sustains me weighs a little less, then this makes me happy.
Making a list also helps me see what I need to discard in my life, and what I need to keep to achieve my goals; always keeping in mind that simple goals can lead to greater goals, just as smaller steps, taken regularly, can lead to greater ones. And managing life objectives by decluttering in this way, can be as detoxifying as a food cleanse, but remember, take it slow; allow for a gradual blossoming of change. It will not bring a direct experience of transcendence, but it will bring lasting fulfillment. Moreover, to respect my body, as I do the planet, brings me the same fulfillment. So I align my goals with what I know to be my true (and not errant) beliefs: We cannot live healthily in a sick body, or on a sick planet. We certainly cannot find balance without it. This may not be the current world view, but it is the true belief of my authentic self.
Nowhere in the process of life can anything be satisfactorily achieved without balance. For example, when we lose touch with nature, we lose touch with our nature, and thus will feel exiled by becoming overly involved with abstract thought, to the detriment of direct sensory experience. On the other hand, too much dependence on sensory physicality will disconnect us from the elevation of the spiritual. This is why writing works as a tool for healing and re-alignment: By displacing attention from the world around us to a world of ideas when necessary in times of stress. And writing will still remind us of our interconnectedness, because it is place of imagination, a place where we can dream and develop our innermost desires by connecting to the sense of self we call our soul.
A Guidance System for the Soul
We should be dreaming. We grew up as kids having dreams, but now we're too sophisticated as adults, as a nation. We stopped dreaming. We should always have dreams.
Herb Brooks, American ice hockey player and coach
The freedom to dream, to figure things out for ourselves is the only real freedom we have, so it cannot be emphasised enough. It was this freedom that allowed me to figure out that the key to existence is to maintain balance, or more recently, why processing personal grief over my mother's death was so calamitous. Indeed, studies have shown that when as an infant we are given the space to learn for ourselves, the brain develops better. Yet, we fill our children with our preconceived notions. The only exception to this is the established rules of the society they are born into; they need that for their survival up to a certain age. But teaching your child how to cross the road, or to respect the codes of conduct in the society they happen to be born into, does not mean we have to teach them exactly how to think, or that they are a vessel to be filled with the wrongs we were taught.
How a child should be taught discipline is outside the remit of this article, but discipline should be about nurturing respect for ourselves, not to obey others. The rules children obey should be for moral and mental improvement, and they should be allowed to have fun, to laugh and to explore through play. If in our infancy, those with parental responsbility over our upbringing are violent, short-handed, cold, distant, demanding, or offer little encouragement, then we will develop feelings of vulnerability and weakness. If as an infant, we never feel at home in our childhood, the grief of being unloved will last.
And later, to be sure of being loved, we might decide to conform to the best of our ability to what is expected of us, rather than to follow our own desires. We might become a welcome mat, putting our own needs and aspirations on the back burner, sometimes for the rest of our lives. In order to safeguard the emotional security that is so valued, we may over-invest in a single aspect of our lives - a job, children or marriage. When that is threatened or lost, the grief of childhood returns. This second trauma can weigh heavily on our psychological and biological balance. Filled with errant beliefs, feeling unworthy and unloved, disconnected from the spirit, the mind and body at odds because the pathways to sensory awareness are blocked, is it any wonder we become imbalanced.
Now in a nutshell, searching for answers over my rage when my mother passed led to this discovery: I had over-invested in caring so meticulously for her that I was not grieving simply over the death of a parent (even one who becomes like your child during such care), I was grieving for my childhood. I thought I had lost the last person to ever love and accept me for who I am. This was an errant belief, slowly nurtured over time, but it turned into my reality. I had turned it into my reality. When I removed that belief, and found balance within myself again, the rage dissipated. To help guide me back, to find my errant beliefs and remove them from the layers of my self to shift my experience, I used what some have called our "emotional guidance system".
Simply put, we use our feelings as a compass to navigate life: Our feelings will be aligned satisfactorily when we are on our path of discovering joy (i.e., for me, my books, my writing, this manual), while we feel miserable or vaguely unhappy when our thoughts stray off track from what we really want. Think how a fearful thought makes your body react with uncomfortable feelings; that discomfort is the sign of an errant thought. If we think something will ruin our day, we experience a sick feeling, which is our body’s way of signalling we are off track from reality. If we can immediately think about the potential blessing in any type of situation, our body reaction stops, and good feelings resume. In this way, you take notice how particular thoughts make you feel, and then follow the thoughts that make you feel happy, not the thoughts that ruin your mood.
Although this shift in attitude will be difficult to attain when we first try it, we can train ourselves to recognise and root out errant thoughts, and align our self with the reassuring sensations of positive thoughts. As an example, if you find change daunting, then think of it in this light: You are going on an adventure; who knows what new heights you shall scale? A hobby that brings joy and excitement? Meeting new people to gain new experiences and share new horizons? We touched upon these "high-level spiritual quests" before, which have the double impact of aiding us to dump negative patterns. Tap into this sense of wellbeing, and you will find just contemplating a truly desirable change can be exciting, uplifting and energising. Just by aligning our thoughts under the direction of our better feelings, using this emotional guidance system will become second nature with regular practice.
Needless to say, this emotional guidance system has to be one for the soul: Everything we have discussed thus far has been to create a connection from the mind to the body to bring happiness and fulfillment, allowing the freedom to correctly align with the true purposes of the spirit, because this will strengthen a system of emotional guidance in unison with all three. For only in such a unison, do our feelings not lead, but merely show the way to help us re-balance. It is in this strong tie between the mind, body and spirit we can trust our feelings and which will, as the ancient sages remark, armour us against troubles, heal us in illness, and carry us in times of need. And we are in a time of need, for we are all wounded. All of us, without exeception. And we are all going to fail sometimes. But that does not cheapen our efforts or our value. As all the best of our stories, down the millenia, have told us, the struggle for happiness is worth it, because we are worthy of it. The quest for improvement highlights that worth to ourselves.
Despite all difficulties, imagine you are a clay pot, one which you must fill. If you fill a clay pot with junk, it will remain junk; but if that clay pot is filled with precious things, it will become valuable. To see what is spiritually valuable beneath the clay sometimes needs more than our sense of vision: Sometimes we see clearly only with the heart; what is essential may be invisible to the eye. What brings us joy and to a happy state may not even be anything material; it could be the smallest, everyday, or the mundane, as long as we take notice of it. Sometimes our sense of vision can be a block for us to really see what is in front of us, but keep on filling up the heart with precious experiences, by engaging the pathways to soul - our senses - with mindful intent and with regular, positive practices, and the blocks will clear. Remember, too, that for the heart to see clearly it needs to be nurtured fully, with diet and exercise, because it is prone to disease just as is any living organ.
Eventually, it all comes back to balance. If we want to be a good example in being, then we have to set a good example in being. So, if we cannot establish a happy state because of our errant beliefs (of anger, of fear, of right and wrong) then is it not time to change? To take that first step and start to consider what it is we really want to change or improve? Is it our career? Relationships? Physical fitness? Sex life? Beliefs in religious orientation (resulting in more peace and spirituality)? Maybe all of the above; choosing a path does not mean that you must value it exclusively. It is an errant belief to think no-one can truly appreciate something unless they disregard the value of other paths. In life there are always new paths to take, and to discover; this is what the Founders meant in that quest for happiness in the US Declaration of Independence. Each joy we discover should bring fulfillment, but the pursuit of happiness itself, the quest for self-improvement never ends.
Still round the corner there may wait / A new road or a secret gate / And though I oft have passed them by / A day will come at last when I / Shall take the hidden paths that run / West of the Moon, East of the Sun."
J.R.R. Tolkien, (The Road Goes Ever On)
Relative to our own experiences, finally, although we may all be inspired or affected by the same thing, the differences in the difficulties will arise in how we interpret and deal with it. For instance, we can be good when life treats us well, but can we be so equanimous when it treats us badly? Life will always offer up new pitfalls, and to avoid new errant beliefs, therefore, we need to organise our own balanced, spiritual centre around our experiences, so our actions do not seem disparate and illogical. And if you can see that everyone has their own special connection that inspires them personally, their own being by which their world is organised (just as you have yours), you begin to really see there is a connection in all things. And all its paths lead back to balance.
So, give something new a try. Learn more about yourself and what makes you happy. Let go of the errant beliefs that do not, and which wrongly define your experiences. The ancient sages have told us that the light we look for should not be in death, but in life, and while we might not be able to extend our lives, we can certainly expand it. And then, when it is our time to shuffle off this mortal coil, we will know we have lived. For what is death to a life well travelled, but a mere closing of the eyes to one path to open them on another.
Published 7 March, 2026
