A Life of Loving

Contents

hat do we do when someone hurts us? Whether it is a deep wound we feel we suffer or a minor one, how can we get past the inevitable negative feelings of anger, sadness and despondency, to move on from the very physical pain of heartbreak? For move on we must; stuck in a loop of these feelings, they can feed off each other, to grow and grow, until we feel consumed by them. Or how can we process the shame and embarrassment we may feel for having been deceived? Such feelings will invariably attack us, because they stem from the guilt of blaming ourselves for the situation we find ourselves in.

This leads us onto the first step - which is also the hardest. Forgiving yourself. Before this can occur, you cannot move on to challenge the feelings of anger or sadness under that umbrella term of hurt, which is instinctively used as shelter from that rainy period in life. But though the rain storm does not last, we find ourselves still holding on to the umbrella, as a totem almost, lest it rain again. But let go we must, and the initial step to healing is self-forgiveness.

Most of us find this difficult to do, and the reason may surprise us. We cannot forgive ourselves if we do not love ourselves. And I do not mean the misguided, egotistical kind of love, which is usually a cover for the feelings of unworthiness we will secretly harbour. No, the self-love we speak of here is the nurturing kind, the compassionate and understanding kind, the kind that listens and hears, but does not judge. It is the kind of love a supportive parent has for their child, or the love that acts as a crutch between best friends.

Sometimes, we need to be our own best friend; to talk through the situation of hurt we find ourselves in and release the negative feelings in a cathartic process instead of burying them. They need to be given a voice, before they can be silenced. We cannot let feelings go if we ignore their existence. To paraphrase an old saying, if we sweep these feelings under the rug, they will not disappear - like dirt and dust, they will accumulate. Out of sight, is not out of mind in this context, because feelings are of the mind, and that rug we try to sweep them under is the subconcious mind, where feelings and thoughts have a habit of gaining a life of their own, outside of our control.

So, we need to face our feelings of hurt; we need to take a step out from beneath the umbrella and face the rain. Once we have safely acknowledged, accepted and become aware of them, we can release them, and they, in turn, will release us from their hold. The rain will not look so bad; once taking careful notice, we may even come to the realisation that what we thought was a rain storm, was just a spring shower. Allowing this process to take its course with self-love, i.e., with kindness, compassion and non-judgmental understanding, will heighten our awareness, fill us with positivity, and help us reframe that experience of hurt.

Our inner sanctum is the perfect place for this. We can do this by writing out our thoughts, by seeking out joyful sustenance to fulfill our spirit, and most certainly, by using physical and mindful practices to boost our energy and wellbeing. But none of this can be achieved, without first learning to love ourselves. As balance is the key to existence, the key to balance is love. Whether romantic love exists may be up for debate in scientific circles, but make no mistake, the need and the requisite of what we term as self-love exists. Self-worth, self-love, and self-esteem are foundational pillars of mental health and wellbeing. These concepts are often used interchangeably, but represent distinct yet interconnected aspects of how we perceive and relate to ourselves.

Although we are focused on self-love for the purposes of this chapter, the science behind these constructs is drawn from psychology, social sciences, behavioral sciences, and neuroscience, and evidence-based strategies have been studied to cultivate them. The major impact they have on our lives cannot be understated: We can neither forgive ourselves for the predicaments we may find ourselves in without it, nor safely or responsibly release our negative emotions without it. We cannot achieve or maintain balance without it.

Neuroscience has shown that self-love is not just a subjective feeling but has a basis in the brain’s functioning. So, what is it, really? One definition is that self-love is about acknowledging the need to take care of our needs, not our wants, and to work towards self-betterment instead of sacrificing our needs to prioritise the happiness of others. It is a state of appreciation for yourself that grows from actions that support physical, psychological and spiritual growth. Thus, it means having a high regard for your own wellbeing and happiness. The scientific term for self-love is self-positivity bias, which is defined as the way people rate themselves as possessing more positive personality traits and displaying more positive behaviors than the average population.

Called by any other name, a rose is still a rose: I call it the biological force that evolved in us similar to that of parents, where we are wired by evolution to protect our young. This is a similar mechanism for survival. And the great news is that, even though it may be more difficult for some people compared to others, anyone can learn how to practice self-love and to hard wire themselves into that sort of biological upbringing. Give a few of the examples below a try, and remember about the power of self-reflection. Failure is not the end of the world, but an opportunity for learning and personal improvement. Every rainy period is a chance and a time for growth.

Five Ways to Practice Self-Love

Fundamentally, self-love is mostly about managing our inner critic so we can develop a more nuanced view of our failures, and appreciate all our effort and personal growth in a kind, loving, and respectful way towards ourselves. You will find that some of the practices below have already been mentioned in this manual.

1. Avoid negative self-talk: We need to beconpme aware of the type of language we use with ourselves when we notice a flaw or make a mistake. For example, do you insult yourself or do you take a more kind and understanding tone? If you are highly self-critical, how does that make you feel inside? By paying attention to how you internally talk to yourself is seen as the most important step in learning how to cultivate self-love.


2. Create personal rituals: The main difference between habits and rituals is how aware and intentional you are. Rituals are meaningful practices with a deep sense of purpose. Take time out of your busy day for self-care rituals, whether by giving love to your body by exercising, or giving love to your mind by meditating.


3. Set healthy boundaries: It can be hard to love yourself when people around you are not respecting your time or acknowledging your value, whether at work or in your daily life. Getting out of the yes auto-pilot and learning to say no to protect your time and energy is a powerful way to practice self-love.


4. Be compassionate towards yourself: Self-compassion is very similar to being compassionate towards other people. It consists in noticing that you are suffering and offering yourself understanding and kindness. You will try to change in ways that allow you to be more healthy and happy, because you care about yourself, not because you are worthless or unacceptable as you are.


5. Make space for self-reflection: Sometimes, things do not go to plan. Instead of blaming yourself, fail like a scientist so you can learn from these failures and use them as an opportunity for personal growth. Self-reflection can take the form of a journaling practice, a weekly review, or a regular meeting with a trusted friend to reflect on your recent experiences and challenges.

The Importance of Forgiveness

The second step to forgiving those who have hurt you, is to forgive them. But why should we do this - especially if we feel they do not deserve it, or have not made any reparation towards the injury, physical or emotional, caused? And how can we persuade ourselves to do what seems the most difficult, even though instinctively we know that without this component, we will not be able to move forward with our lives?

Loyalty and courage are two of the finest virues. Courage, physical or moral, for oneself and others, and loyalty - is what makes living bearable. So, when we feel someone has been disloyal, or worse, lacks the courage to admit or apologise to the harm caused, it makes forgiving them seem almost impossible. But we must learn how to forgive them, not for their peace of mind, but our own. We can only release the harm they have caused us, when we unshackle ourselves from their actions. Forgiveness, in this instance, is an act of loyalty and courage to ourselves.

Humans are creators; the constructive pride we feel in creating something, in its spirit, is a beautiful thing. However, we are also destroyers, and those of us who destroy, do so because it is the easy way out. It is the easy way out to wire our anger and rage into a destructive loop against those who have harmed us; it is harder, and takes much more effort, to create something beautiful out of the anger. To create a new life, a new mind set, a new path of self-improvement, an opportunity to finally love ourselves - all of this is within our grasp when we let go of the hatred we feel towards those who have harmed us, and forgive them for what they have done.

It also builds a bridge of empathy from the injured party to those who caused the injury. It gives perspective: We are all human, we can all get confused, and we all have the potential to hurt someone. Thus, it is not merely a matter of knowing none of us are without this sin, it is also the dawning of the realisation we should forgive others in the hope that we can be shown forgiveness when the time comes. We are all wounded to a greater or lesser degree, and we have learned to be ashamed by it, but the way to be free of it, is to forgive - ourselves and others.

To be fully human, we need to have as authentic a relationship as possible with others, and for this to be so, we must go beyond the image we have of ourselves and of others. Sometimes knowing we all share a common thread can be immensely reassuring. We should know that in our deepest being we are intrinsically free to reconstruct and transform ourselves. Science tells us that an old dog can learn new tricks, and we need to grant others this same powerful freedom. Those who harmed us might no longer be that person, or our forgiveness may indeed trigger their own path of improvement. This openness to others is not to become a welcome mat, but an open door that welcomes the possibility of change. It is only when we confront the fear of forgiveness, and come to know love for ourselves and others at its most unconditional, that we can fully become ourselves.

We may know our true identity, but if we are ashamed and do not love who we are, we will find it hard to forgive. Because in forgiveness, we can hide nothing; we need to let go of our deepest hurt to forgive. In that process, we fear we will become a tragic, or pathetic figure, but in reality, we become stronger. If we can accept our wounds, embrace them even, it can open the way to positive emotions, to joy, to the desire to be alive, to the satisfaction of being with someone, in the here and now. It releases you from past actions, and like positive nostaligia, it forces you to rethink the future, by focusing on the present. However, it is best to also remember that we need to confront our fear of forgiveness, slowly. Like phobias, for instance, the process will not make our emotional pain go away overnight, but we will feel better about ourselves for being able to confront our discomfort. Thus, when we first connect with ourselves this way, and then with others, our emotional state towards our experiences will improve.

Sometimes, it is not even a person we need to forgive, it may be just the events of life itself. To use an analogy of life as electricity, if we accept that it is not the electric shocks of the events that could kill us, but the stress over the shock itself, then our survival is dependant on how weak we are to the shock, and our perception of control or helplessness that will affect the body's reaction to it. The effects of stress are numerous. They activate our emergency systems and put our immune systems on hold. And if we waste our physical and emotional resources on destructive feelings, then the stress rises, and we risk tying up the voice of positive expression. It can create an internal obstacle, we lose the key to our inner sanctum. But by expressing and accepting - and then forgiving - events, it stops us from expending the energy to hide them futilely from our awareness.

So, it's toll is great. And although it is hard to forgive, perhaps in the longer run, it is harder not to forgive. When I retreat into the depths of my inner self, my senses tell me that what sounds right to me is always the hardest path to take, and forgiveness is one of the hardest. In a very spiritual sense, it is a matter of faith. Faith that forgiveness will provide one of the needs for our good health and happiness. It's an important component, as important to the functioning of the mind and body, as to the spirit, which the ancient sages tell us, engines their machinery. The pathways to the heart, which we use to bring joy to the soul, when clogged with destructive emotions, can take away the meaning in our lives.

Nowhere is the link between the mind and body more apparent than here: Science tells us that the mind does not reside entirely within the skull. It resides in our digestive system, it is an expression of our immune system, and it is strongly affected by emotion. This theory of taking the mind out of the head and placing it all over the body has been called "the mobile brain", where science has begun to talk of a body that thinks and a mind that feels, suggesting a deeper interconnectness than previously imagined.

Movement and physical activity is a way to tell our body it matters, that it is loved and respected, and to get it to sense its own desire to live. Food is, too. Functional medicine explains a dietary approach to send that message to the self, most importantly in connection with the gut microbiome, and without a doubt, we must watch the food that goes into our bodies. But like food, and physical activity, emotions also send the same message and have a say in our health. The neurological response to them is to release stress hormones, like noradrenalin and cortisol, into the physical organs of the head and the heart.

If this is not a powerful enough argument for forgiveness, then maybe it is also beneficial to remember that it is just another facet to love. If we feel loved and supported, we feel we can achieve anything, and if those feelings come from the self, then no single person or event, or their actions and causes, can take you, from you. Being able to forgive means being able to love yourself enough to forgive. Because if we give in to destructive emotions, and to our feelings of helplessness, then we lose the will to live. When we do that, so does our immune system.

It is not an exaggeration to say that love, in this, very spiritual form, is like the very oxygen we need to breathe. It is the love we should share with our communities, and give to our children, so they do not grow up in an emotional emptiness, in a society simply filled with rules. And the same goes for us; we must treat the child inside us with just as much love and respect. And on the road to such a life of loving, there will always be the need for the fuel of forgiveness to keep us going when things break down.

Published 13 March, 2026

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